September 8, 2010, 7:50 AM ET
By Sue Shellenbarger
Associated Press
Reporting my “Work & Family” column this week on children traumatized by disasters, I was struck anew by how important it is, amid the pressures of our busy lives, to just stop and listen to your kids.
As 9/11 draws near, a growing body of research shows children affected by disasters, from terrorist attacks and tsunamis to hurricanes or war, often experience deep and lasting symptoms. For example, some 37% of Louisiana children experienced clinical depression, anxiety or behavior disorders after Hurricane Katrina, says Save the Children, a nonprofit that works to improve children’s well-being, safety and health.
One study, of 104 teens affected by the attacks, showed adolescents were less likely to show post-traumatic stress symptoms, such as hopelessness, anger, guilt or withdrawal, if their parents were available to talk with them about their fears. Also, these teens fared better if their parents were coping well themselves; kids often bottle up their feelings if they fear expressing them will knock Mom or Dad off track.
Indeed, parents play a strikingly large role in how kids fare. Preschoolers affected by the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks showed elevated behavior problems later – but only if their mothers experienced post-traumatic stress or depression, says a study published in July in the journal “Child Development.” Parents overwhelmed by their own distress or sadness are less able to help their children regulate their feelings and behavior.
Two parents I interviewed, whose children had been traumatized by tragic family deaths, said listening to your kids express sadness, or even take out their anger on you, can be excruciating. One 8-year-old girl whose brother and grandparents were killed in a plane crash, was devastated. As she worked through her feelings, this otherwise well-behaved child went through a stage when she frequently pinched her mother – one way to act out her anger, her mother told me.
Expressing such emotions, though, through artwork, talking or active play, helps kids regain control of themselves and figure out their own ways of coping, therapists say. (Among the best books to help parents foster resilience in kids is John Gottman’s “Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child.”)
Amid everything jugglers try to do for their kids, it can be good to realize that one of the biggest things they need is also one of the simplest – for parents to stop, watch, listen, reflect back what we see in them, and have faith in their ability to sort it out for themselves.
Readers, have you had to support a child traumatized by a disaster or tragedy? What was your experience? How did the child come through it? Did you see lingering signs of trauma – or growth? Or did you perhaps experience a disaster or tragedy yourself as a child?
From The Wall Street Journal published on September 8, 2010, 7:50 AM ET
